Today I set a boundary and did not apologize for it. I just said what I needed and left it at that. A few months ago, I would have felt guilty and second-guessed myself.
Taking care of myself is not selfish.

I almost cancelled my appointment today because I thought I was wasting everyone’s time.

I sat in the parking lot for a while thinking about just leaving.

But I went in.

We talked about how tired I am of always feeling like I have to explain myself. How heavy everything feels even when nothing looks wrong on the outside.

I did not fix anything today. I did not have some big breakthrough.

But I showed up. And I did not tear myself apart for once after the session.

I guess that is something.

I cannot stop thinking about them. It is like they are stuck in my head on a loop and even when I know it is not real, it still feels real. I keep replaying old conversations and imagining new ones where everything finally clicks and they see me the way I want to be seen. I know I am making them into something they are not but it is like I cannot help it. I hate how much of my brain they take up. Some days it feels exciting and other days it just feels humiliating, like I am twelve years old again. I wish I could turn it off but part of me does not even want to. I just want it to mean something even though deep down I know it probably does not.